Many times words are all we have to communicate with and yet we often are so casual in fact careless in our use of them. Many people: authors, poets, businessmen, advertisers, and politicians spend a lot of money and time trying to find just the right words. Words are so very powerful. Words create feelings in people and those feelings often manifest themselves in behavior.  How often have we said,  "Oh I did not really mean that" or "I can’t believe you said that" or we just walk away not sure what we are feeling?

How carefully do we choose the words we use when talking to our children and others that we love?

There are a couple of words I would suggest we drop from our repertoire. Only two words for a start.

My two words are SHOULD and COULD.

I dare you to try for a couple of weeks not to use these.

NO MORE…

I should haves

You could haves

I could haves

You should haves

How hard would be? What changes might occur in others? If it is true that as we bring value to people they will allow us influence and as we take it away they will fight us, then what do the words could and should bring to the table??

What would be different without could and should?

By the way I shared this blog with my son Robb his two words were never and always. Gee I wonder who he heard these words from!

John Schuerholz on raising our children

"I challenge them [Brave's players] to consider seriously the great
responsibility we all have beyond simply performing our jobs as
successfully and faithfully as we must. The great challenge is doing all
we can individually and collectively to build a better neighborhood, a
better community, a better society, and yes, even a better world.  We
can begin that by doing all we can to raise our children properly.
Here's a story I like to share to illustrate that point: A small boy
walks into the room where his dad is reading a newspaper.  The youngster
tugs on his father's shirt sleeve and says, "Dad, I need to talk to you.
Can you talk to me just for a minute?  The man is consumed by what he is
reading and hardly acknowledges his son.  Without looking up, he waves
the boy away.  Only after the lad persists, does he gain his father's
attention. "Dad, I really do need to talk to you," he repeats.  At that
moment, the father had turned to a large picture of the globe in the
newspaper.  He proceeds to tear the photo into a hundred little pieces
and hands the pile of scraps to the boy, saying, "Here, when you put
this picture of the globe back together, I'll talk to you." The child
departs, barely able to carry all the pieces of paper in his hands.
The father figures he'll have his peace and quiet for most of the day.
Remarkably, within just a few minutes, his son is back holding up the
picture of the globe, Scotch tape everywhere.  "Here, Dad, I've put the
picture back together. Will you talk to me now?"  Astonished, the father
blurts: "That's impossible! How did you do that so fast?" "Well," the
boy says, "I didn't put the picture of the globe together.  But on the
other side was a picture of a small boy and his dog.  And I put that
picture together.  The moral of the story is clear; if we take care in
putting our children together properly, the world will take care of
itself."

Built to Win by John Schuerholz - 2006 (page 243-244) 

For as long as we have had the written word, adults have complained about the zany illogical actions of their children.  I saw on the news the other night that the latest drinking game is with water.  I am sure the risk appeal was heightened as a result of the death of a radio contestant in a water-drinking contest.  Not logical!

That is the point.  We as adults have an expectation that young people think in a way that reflects our logic.  When that happens, it is most often by coincidence rather than by development.  This phenomenon sometimes works well for all of us.  Marconi was only 21 when he made his first wireless transmission.  By the way, he had no scientific background and as far as anyone else could see, was being totally illogical.  Just remember, when your child does something that defies logic, it is not personal – they just think very differently than we do.

We as parents often force-feed our children, never allowing them to create an appetite for what we are offering.  What do we force-feed?  Our ideas; our expectations; our need to know they are all right; our need to know that we are parenting right; our dreams; our commitment for them not having to go through what we went through; our addiction to their approval and their success.  These are just a few of our offerings that come to mind.  We are so anxious about giving that we forget to take the time to receive.  Quickly, our children fill up.  If our kids are over eight, it is likely they haven’t heard anything new from us for a very long time.  Questions like – How was your day? – What did you learn today? – are offered as acts of love or interest, but are heard as questions with an expectation for the right answer.  What if we did not ask right away?   Could be by supper they might well want to share, perhaps not the first time, but after awhile.  An overriding objective of children is to please or to be found pleasing to their parents.  When we stop probing, they will have an appetite to share. 

  I say often that the only difference between a good plan and a bad plan is that a good plan works better.  A child’s behavior will always tell us how good our plan is.  It takes great courage as a parent to accept the reality of the behavior.  Bear in mind acceptance does not mean endorsement. This may require that we amend or suspend our dream in order for us to meet our child’s needs rather than have our child meet our needs.

    This reality may cause us to have some grieving for the passing of our old dream.  We may find ourselves experiencing the stages of grief.