I have been in a similar situation with my son and it was important for me and him to establish boundaries. He was told in order to live in my home he would have to be working at least 30 hours per week or be in school and working 15 hours per week. There were other minor responsibilities with which he had to comply, but the main message was that he was not allowed to do nothing. He chose to leave home, moved to Boston with friends, and finally at 20 decided to go to college. Be strong and good luck.

When you say you give him no money, are you sure about that? Does he have a cell phone? A computer to use? Are you buying his clothes? Cosmetics? Any special food? Renting videos? Driving your car? These are all privileges, not rights. I assume he's not disabled emotionally?

Marge, No,he is not disabled emotionally, though we suspect some depression with high levels of marijuana use. We are not giving him any of the things that you listed.He has a car that is in his name that we pay no expenses for.It is a falling apart beater car. We have now told him that he has until the end of the month to get a job of at least 30 hrs a week or he will not beable to continue living here. The money he had saved that was in the bank is now gone. In fact he has overdrawn his account. I just wish I knew how to help him. He seems so lost.

Kathleen- You are certainly not alone with this challenge. I know that doesn't make it easier but it is not necessarily did or didn't do and this phase will pass. Depending on how much money you want or are wiling to invest in his transition, there are program options available. These transition programs are for kids 18 and older who for whatever reason cant get going and complete the separation from home. They range in length from 9-12 months. Many of them are associated with colleges so that if it is appropriate a student can continue his academic. They teach personal skills, budgeting, cooking, communication, job interviewing, job holding, and generally the skills necessary for successful independence.
If this kind of option is not in the cards, then I would say your doing many things right. You have eliminated your physical support. You have given him a time frame so he knows this is a finite time; he is not going to live there forever. The next step would be to set up tighter deadlines. An example- in two weeks we want a plan that would start in 4 weeks that he was moving out. You may have to escort him to the door.
Though this isn't easy you must keep a firm but not desperate pressure on his direction.
Rob

Thanks Rob, How would I research these transition programs? Do you have experience with them? I would like to learn more. Our son finished high school at a theraputic residential program and did very well with that experience. He completed his senior year in 5 months with all A's and B's. He has so much potential but is just so lost right now and using pot to stay in that position is most likely the biggest problem giving him no ambition, motivation or happinesss. It is so hard to have faith.

Kathleen, There are a couple of different ways that you could look for transitional programs depending on the complexity of the situation. If you choose to do it on your own, and feel that you don't need a lot of extra advice and that the situation is pretty straight forward, then you may want to check out: www.strugglingteens.com. They have information on various programs. If you need someone to coach you or you want someone there for support and advice, then you can hire an educational consultant or a family coach, like us. We would be more than happy to talk with you and listen to what the issues you're facing are in an initial conversation, which we would not charge for. If you wanted to employ us after that conversation, that would be your choice. If you decide you want to go this route, then you can contact us at: rob@deliberatedirections.com.
We appreciate you sharing your concerns, experiences and thoughts with us and others on the site, and we hope you continue to do so.