Hi Byrne, We are in a similar situation with our 18 year old son. We gave him a choice yesterday of leaving our home or seeing a therapist on Monday.We also began to doubt ourselves in kicking him out. He has known for a long time that if he did not have a job by the end of the month(June) and could not follow the few house rules of no drugs and alcohol etc) he would have to live his lifestyle else where as we would not continue to enable it. He has until tomorrow now to let us know his choice. He also had done a wilderness program and a residential treatment program where he did graduate from high school.We are hoping that he will choose to go to the therapy appointment on Monday but I am not holding my breath. He also has law issues pending with a court date in two weeks. We can relate to your pain in this situation. I think you did the right thing. Maybe you could offer him therapy if he would like to return home and would agree to that. Stay strong. Have faith that his journey will bring him home. Continue to let him know that you love him and will support any help he needs but that you will not support his current life style.

Dear Bryne,
WOW! It sounds like you have the green beret of stubborn here, in your son. Clearly you have made a Herculean effort in providing your son the opportunity to shift his beliefs and behavior. Without knowing more detail, I would say you have taken the next step asking him to live within a set of boundaries or go live some place else. Giving his training his decision to move out was predictable. This is hard I know, but the fact that he is keeping in touch with his sibs is positive, it tells me he doesn’t want to completely severe all ties. You want to be sure that you are not supporting this plan of his. For example, paying for his cell phone, or giving him money or car,etc. Now we wait, the hardest part. If you have an address for him, then occasionally send him a card, something brief just so he has to go through the process of actually opening and touching the card that you have done. If he has a cell, that he is paying for, then text message him occasionally, saying something like, “Hi, thinking of you today, we are all doing well, Mom” The idea is like the motel 6 commercial, that is we want to leave the light on for him, but we are not going to leave the door unlocked. By the way, he has more skills and more knowledge on how to handles his life’s energy then most adults. That he owes to you. So OK, keep playing it his way, now he gets to use those skills.

He has returned home three times now. The latest, this morning. Talk about skills-I still can't figure out how he got in! Each time he handed us an ultimatum on what rules of ours he would NOT follow and each time we have shown him to the door. He is so angry. Today may be different though. He said he has no where else to go, his friends are tired of his problem, and he has agreed to both therapy and taking his meds. We have more to discuss, but this was enough for the moment. He has agreed to continue the conversation after some sleep.
He is signed up for a summer session at the boarding school he attends and this has been part of the 'house rules'. It is a very sore point for him and I'm wondering if it's a place for us to give a little. I'm not sure I just don't want another big conflict. For him, he would have the three things he seems to want the most-a bed, meals, and his parents would be no where in sight. For us, we would know he was in a supportive, regulated environment, therapy available, and basic needs taken care of. If he gets anything from the academics, arts, and adventure activities that would be gravy. Any thoughts?

My inclination is for you to hold your hard won ground. If it was a good idea for him to go to the summer program before all of this happened then it is still a good idea now. You've come a long way in demonstrating this is no longer a game. You can acknowledge to him that summer school well may be a challege, but under the circumstances it is what is needed to advance his education.

Just to update. Our son left home again after refusing the summer school rule. He said he'd be back in time for September school to start. We informed hime that that was not an option. He would be 18 by then and would have to figure out school and diploma possibilities on his own. He did still leave but snuck back a few hours later. His first words to me, "Don't worry, I'll go to school Sunday." He's there now and acknowledged to his aunt that he needs to get his High School diploma. It's a goal and I view that as very impportant. I left him telling him I love him and did sense relief in him. We shall see. It's been the longest, hardest three weeks of our lives. I can't thank you enough for your words of support and wisdom. I'd have caved a long time ago without them! Now I need to spend some time with my other children, husband, and myself.