19 year old son chooses
I am a friend of Kathleen and I have similar problems with my 19 year old son.We have been through so much with him and have learned soo much but I feel as though I am lost again.Our son,just recently got out of jail(He had to sit until his court date because we would not bail him out--He was released for a short time on bail-monitoring and failed both his U/A and breathalizer)He received 2 years probation with the hope of having his record expunged if he is successful.He was arrested for theft of our safe.We love him very much and he has been raised in a traditional home with lots of love and support.He is smart and attractive and athletic and artistic.His first night out of jail,he got "messed up".We would not let him come home(I had a very hard time with that decision)We paid rent at my brother's condo and our son was welcome there--he has a bed and his clothes and food.We encouraged him to get on his feet and then we would talk in a month about whether he could come home.We have 2 boys at home and things have not gone well for anyone with the 19 year old home.We wnat to help him get on his feet.He has not reported to his probation officer and is living on the streets,here and there.His friends have an incredible draw for him and I am more convinced than ever that he cannot kick his addictions in this community.He attended Ascent in Idaho and did very well there and then moved on to NWA for boarding school and then the school closed ubruptly after he was there for 1 week and he returned home.He attended Nova in Wisconsin for one week and was released due to noncompliance.WE would be very willing to have him attend a long term program but at this point it is evident that nothing will change until he wants it to.How do we get him to want to ? and How do I deal with these feelings of limbo-land while I wait? I have so much sadness and hopelessness regarding this boy who I love.Sorry to be so wordy.Terry
You have already distinguished yourself as one of those in a thousand parents who are willing to go to bat for their son. I would say you have done a great deal that no one could find fault with and you are correct these are tough times for parenting because we have to take that journey from the heart to the head and manage the business of child rearing separate from the heart and love which is really never in question.
What to do in order to encourage your son to want to change... You hit that nail on the head with your question. The good news is his time at Ascent did remind him of what it feels like to feel good for the right reasons. That is in him and we can bank on that because no matter how dysfunctional he may get he will always have pulling at him, the knowledge that it doesn't have to be this way. We will continue to recoup the return on the time invested in Ascent. Unfortunately, being the age of majority we can't really intervene until we get some leverage over him. That level will come in one or two forms. Hopefully he will hit bottom as you continuously to withdraw support for him. As long as he is living this particular lifestyle, I would really try and pull the condo away from him. We do not want to support a negative direction, and you can tell him that. The condo was not designed to allow him to continue this path of risky decisions and potentially self destruction. Therefore you have to transform him out of the condo and say he has to be out of the condo in the next 15 days or so,just don't make it forever. Until he gets to the point where there is no direction except for the direction you want him to go, then he is not going to go that direction. He is looking for a hole in the fence. You want to make sure he sees that hole and that this time that hole has been created by us. Once he goes through it, he will be where he needs to be. The other leverage will come from the system. It already sounds like he is skirting issues with the law and at some point, he may get into enough trouble that he has to go to court,that would be great, scary but great because at that point we will have his attention and in many, many instances, the court would rather see them in programs rather in the state system. They may say to him, at the completion of the program, that we will revisit these charges what ever they might be and at that point, he will get himself over and accept that he needs a program. I would venture to say that he is as nervous about all of this as you are. One of the favorite things I say to people is from the Motel 6 commercial: We want to leave the light on for him, but we are no longer going to leave the door unlocked. He may keep finding his way home while saving face, but only on our terms. We will support a positive plan, we will not support the negative. Trust me Terry, you are not alone this does take courage but it seems like you are on the right trail.